Blundering through Life

I made a big mistake. I mean it was HUGE! I can't go back and fix it and it will never go away. It was one of those fall off a cliff things that leaves you thinking what happened...one minute all was good and the next...BAM! I know it all sounds very negative doesn't it? It was a lesson, a God one, so that is good right? I hope I can come to that conclusion...the sooner the better.

I have found myself starting my prayers lately with "I am struggling with...." or "God, you know I struggle with..". God I'm sure is thinking yes, dear one you are and you have been for a long time. He and his heavenly saints are probably also thinking and "when will you finally get it!!" I may well be getting "it" (or at least a portion) as I turn to Him more and more. The "it" I am coming away with is to always, always go to God first with everything I am struggling with. He will listen, He will not judge and He will answer.

For some that may sound pretty elementary. It is not for me. I want to trust God with every portion of my life, but with all the horrible things happening in the world, I can't help but think my stuff is so trivial. The more I talk to God through prayer and His Word, however, the more I have come to realize He is interested in me and my life. He is living in me and can use me for so much. I can spread His goodness and love just by the way I live my life and the attitude I bring to the people I come in contact with daily (right here in Lubbock, Tx). He is taking care of all the details. Pretty amazing.

I can't go back and fix my blunder, I know that. But I have learned that to confide in another human with something very personal and humbling is a risk. They are human just like me and they make mistakes as well. So I will take it as a lesson learned and go on. I have learned that God is my confidante and all I say to Him stays between us. He will guide me and direct me and He will comfort me and support me. Hopefully my blunders will become fewer, or at the very least, maybe the fall will not be as far.

Great Shot!

I am a big fan of golf. I love to watch it and especially love to play it. I started today thinking about golf, especially the mental part. I am playing in a match play tournament this week and as I was lying in bed this morning I began mentally playing each hole of the course I will be playing. It occurred to me (or it was divinely placed in my thinking) how much golf and life do intersect.


As I stand on the first tee, I observe the fairway. Bunker on the right, tree line on the left. Then I place my ball on the wooden tee with the goal of reaching that little hole about 300-400 yards away in as few shots as possible. But I am not thinking about how to go about reaching that in the best possible way. No, I am thinking about how far I want to hit that ball. I take the club back and swing perfectly through and the ball sails beautifully up into the sky, long and straight. I nod my thanks to the others who kindly compliment the drive and take my place confidently in the golf cart. Whew!

As we drive down the fairway I take note of the beautiful day. I thank God for blessing me with the opportunity to play that day and hum a tune from the Christian cd I was listening to in the car. The sky is so blue and the birds chatter is peaceful and calming. We reach my ball. Wait, what is this? My ball has found its way behind a tree and is nestled in between two protruding roots. Well (expletive)!

The song in my head has been replaced with a piercing noise, similar to a deployed rocket right before it hits. My positive affirmations about the beautiful day are replaced with why me, why does this always happen to me and the ever popular, "well this is typical for me" chatter. My only choice is to chip out and take my medicine. The chip does not go as planned, I hit again and then again, to finally reach the green. My playing partners are there waiting on me, their looks of sympathy wasted because I refuse to make eye contact. We putt out and go on with the next hole.

How often does that happen to us at the beginning of what seems to be a beautiful day. Something goes wrong and we quickly become negative and defensive. We blame God, or we blame our past sins and take the "I deserve what I get" attitude, which effects the rest of our day. We may have to take a detour or our plans get changed at the last minute and we find ourselves exasperated and distracted. Other people and their lives go unnoticed because we are fixated on our situation and what we perceive as an inconvenience to our life.

God did not promise life would be without its challenges. Instead, He wants us to take those challenges and apply His Word to all we encounter on a daily basis. Yes, even the days spent on the golf course. I strive to do that, and fall short quite often! But the even better news is: He knows we will fail and He will still love us. He will pick us up when we have fallen and the promise of better days, (glorious days!!)are ahead if we allow God to direct our actions and our thoughts daily.

Mean Girls

I am very fortunate to be in a small group study of the Book of Esther this summer. It is a Beth Moore study and only the second Beth Moore I have done. I absolutely love that woman. She is funny and smart and certainly knows her Bible. She is also an admitted sinner and that makes her likable and easy to relate to.

Our recent study had us talking about mean girls. Now you would think at the age of 52, mean girls would be a thing of the past. But no,.... mean girls come in all ages. Some of them are harder to identify than others, but at some point their true intentions are revealed. I have tried my very hardest to not dignify a mean person, by getting mean myself, but there are times when it is hard to keep my inner mean girl from poking her head out!

One thing Beth Moore said in the lesson was "coming in contact with a mean girl, brings out your mean girl". She went on to say how that is even more true when the mean girl is hurting your own daughter. It made me chuckle to think of times I and my sisters have turned into a mama grizzly protecting her young. I have certainly been known to bristle when my children are the target of a mean person, but who hasn't?

Recently Amber had a situation with her babysitter. There was a contract dispute and the sitter felt like Amber owed her more money than Amber understood the contract to have stated. The sitter threatened to sue and sent a couple of snippy emails asking for the money. Amber decided she would not respond in hopes it would all go away. While I was there, however, she received an email from the sitter stating she had decided to forgive "the debt" after attending a "religious meeting" the night before. Great we thought. But the letter went on to defame and criticize Amber and her upbringing and basically state in so many words that the sitter was the better person in the whole affair.

Wow, I am not sure this girl understood the message from her "religious meeting". More than that, however, the mean girl alerts were going off like fireworks in my head! How could anyone think my daughter was not just wonderful in all respects? Snide, biting retorts were coming to me right and left. I would have loved to kick the feet out from under that girl...how dare she say those things. But I didn't....we didn't. Amber and I talked long and hard about what we could say, but why we wouldn't say those things. I guess you could say we took the high road and at the time it was hard.

I hope Amber realizes now (weeks later)that our lack of response talks more about her upbringing and her heart than anything we could have written in response. It was a lesson for both of us. Beth Moore writes that "it is tough being a woman in a mean world". I pray that more and more of us will see how the things of this world taint our viewpoint and hide the truths of what is actually important (such as family, loving your neighbor and forgiveness). I can hopefully keep my inner mean girl under wraps from now on, but don't hold me to it.....

Shame on Me

There are many things in my past that I have been ashamed of. I have hidden them, made excuses for them, and blamed others for them in the attempt to justify their existence. Lately though I have come to terms with them. I have finally forgiven myself and most importantly accepted God's forgiveness. It has been so hard for me to believe that God loved me through all of those times that, in my mind, let Him down. The good news is He did!

Today in my bible study it was pointed out that our past shares root with our future. And our destiny is tied up in some way with our past and it is where God has been leading us all along. That is something to which I need to ponder. Those things which have plagued me for so long, that I have tried to forget and rewrite, are me. God knew I was a sinner, knew I would commit sins and He still loved me, sent His Son to pay the price for them and promises me His love and eternal life with Him.

I wrote the above two paragraphs several weeks ago and then let them sit unpublished. I wasn't really sure what I should be writing in my blog anymore. Linda pointed out my absence from writing and I told her I felt too "conscious" of what I am writing now. I guess I felt the calling to bear all and in that knew it was going to be tough. But God finds ways....and with me, I have this small voice inside reminding me of what I should be doing and it is not letting up!

I have this daily ritual with my devotionals. I read the daily devotional from the Journey magazine I get monthly. At the bottom of the devotional is a deeper walk where you go to the scripture reading related to the writing. After reading the verses, my certain Bible has devotionals all through the book titled by the day of the week. So I go to the closest one, like today I found Wednesday, and read about Thomas, the doubter. The deeper walk for Wednesday led me to Isaiah 40:6-8.
"A voice says, 'Cry out.'
And I said 'What shall I cry?'
"All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them. Surely the people are grass. The grass withers and flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever."

And I knew, God expects me to share my daily walk with others. I have never been one to preach the Bible. I am so green when it comes to the Bible, but as He has put on my heart (often), He doesn't called the equipped, he equips the called. So I say, why me? and He answers why not you? Go figure, He has an answer to everything. I guess He thinks if I am going to be at this darn computer everyday, why not do something useful. Those Bejeweled scores are not impressing Him?

So if you are reading this and think who does she think she is? Believe me, I am right there with you. I have never before felt like I am a writer or more than that, a qualified giver of spiritual advice! I am human and I have survived many lessons in life, usually the hard way. I am the first to drop eye contact with anyone asking a scripture related question or for someone to offer the prayer! But I will not ignore the small, quiet voice telling me I have more to offer. If God is telling me that my past is the road to my future, then I am taking it!

Picture Collage

 

I have been messing with my Picasa photo editor as you can see. I am still learning all it can do, but I thought this was pretty neat. I have so many photos on my computer and I really need to try and organize them. I would be crushed if something should happen and I lose them.

April Fools

Unfortunately it is no April Fools that I am looking older. Tomorrow I will not wake up with a more youthful look no matter what the anti-aging products "guarantee". Does that keep me from falling for their pitches and promotions? Unfortunately, no.

I went to the Clinique counter last week in search of some new facial products. I was a Prescriptives user, but they have gone out of business. So after answering some pretty basic questions, Joyce (my new best friend in cosmetics) had the perfect solutions for all my aging concerns. Exfoliate and apply about three different liquids, lotions and creams. Am I wrong to think that applying all those products on top of each other just cancels out the one before? I am sure Joyce knows what she is talking about, she is after all wearing a white lab coat.

Then Joyce tells me there is a special next week if I schedule a makeup session- I will get this very stylish and fun looking cosmetic bag for free! The picture she holds up shows a very hip woman in a bright pink trench coat hurrying to board a flight (probably to some tropical destination) carrying, of course, the very stylish cosmetic bag that I could have for free! I, of course, signed up immediately.

So there I sat a week later, poised on the white, contemporary, yet clinical-looking, bar stool while Joyce removed my makeup. Why do I feel so defenseless as she questions me about my makeup regimen? It was like she was the makeup police and I was the offending user of the less than desirable products. I reluctantly admitted to using grocery store and drugstore paraphernalia. I expected her to tell me to empty my purse on the counter and she would examine, then toss my tubes of unused lipstick in disgust.

After she paints my face with the foundation (she was using a brush I use for basting meat) she has me turn to look in the mirror. After the immediate shock, I question the color (I looked like I had a full summer tan) and the finish. She said my complexion looked "dewy", I thought it looked in need of some major blotting. Better to look dewy than dry was her answer. She continued with the heavy hand on my eye makeup and blush. You know how big I am on that! The eyeliner on one eye was thicker than the other, so my already lazy eye looked like it had one martini too many. Next came the lip liner and lipstick. When she asked what I used for lipstick I told her that when I do wear it, my sister usually tells me "you need lipstick", if that tells her anything.

As I am paying for my products ( I swear I only bought ones I will use), I asked about my free makeup bag. She turns to me and puts on her very best "can you believe it" face and says they ran out of them. Me, being who I am (aka, idiot, fool..)says oh, that's okay. She then goes to the back and comes out this little, plastic, zippered makeup case and acts like it will replace the fun polka dot travel anywhere promotional bag. So the warm, tropical destination thinking, is now replaced with the won't that be handy, guess I will be staying home thinking.

After putting myself through that form of humiliation, I hit the escalator to the foundation (okay, bras and panties) department. Why was I torturing myself that day you may wonder? (At least I didn't go the the bathing suit department where suicidal thoughts run rampant on a daily basis.) I really wanted to see the new Spanx products Patty and I have been reading about. They promised control and comfort all rolled up in one! I grabbed a couple of items (being ignored by the help) and headed to the dressing room. The reason that no one was offering to help me became very evident when I saw myself in the dressing room mirror. My makeup looked like a mask I could remove and lay on the table beside me! OMG! What was I doing walking through the store looking like Tammy Faye Baker (maybe a slight exaggeration). I tried to "blend", but my hands and now their bras were becoming stained with brown. Not only that, but I looked older than when I arrived!

I wonder sometimes about the quest to look younger. Maybe it is because of all the advertising we hear about how to take years off the look of our skin and we start examining and scrutinizing ourselves. Then the search begins for the perfect product or the right treatment for the problem. The problem it seems is aging. And as hard as that is to accept, it is a fact of life- if we are blessed to still be here to experience it. I doubt my search for the miracle anti-aging product will stop any time soon. I am glad God has blessed me to still be here and He has given me a sense of humor to see how ridiculous it can all be at times. I guess I could look at this aging thing as God's April Fools on me and at least I can be certain His guarantees will hold true.

Someones Mother

"You won't remember how it started with us, the things that I know about you that you don't even know about yourselves. We won't come back here.

You'll remember middle school and high school, but you'll have changed by then. You changing will make me change. That means you won't ever know me as I am right now-the mother I am tonight and tomorrow, the mother I've been for the last eight years, every bath and book and birthday party, gone. It won't hit you that you're missing this chapter of our story until you see me push your child on a swing or untangle his jump rope or wave a bee away from his head and think, Is this what she was like with me?"

That is an excerpt from a book I read entitled "Lift" by Kelly Corrigan. As I read that, I tried to swallow the lump forming in my throat. I thought of Amber and Teagan. As I watch Amber watching her daughter I remember exactly what that felt like- the pride and wonderment all at the same time. There's all the planning, the scheduling, and the worry along with the tremendous feelings of love and then those delightful moments of being a mother to a young child. Those are not her memories, they are mine. Being a mother defined who I was. Even as a single mother, the fact that I was someones mother was always at the forefront of my thoughts as I worked, went out with friends, and dated.

Now here Carter is finishing up his senior year and looking towards college life and dorm living, and my role of mother is being redefined. How do you do that after 27 years of being someones mother? As Amber grew up and out of the house, I still had Carter nine years behind her. It seemed like an eternity back then, and now here it is in the blink of an eye. My children don't know me as the mother, the person I was back then. Just like the times I try to recall Mom and how she might have been during my childhood. I have memories and my ideas of how she was, but how could I really know the young woman raising six children all under the age of 10? I am afraid her "delightful moments" may have been limited!

The lump in my throat as I was reading that passage was from a mix of sadness and happiness. I have such sweet memories of raising Amber and Carter. The blessings I have received from both are too many to name. I know one day Amber will look at Teagan the same way I find myself watching her now. You know, those "lump in the throat" moments are still happening. Only now I watch my young adult children living and planning their own lives. The pride, and feelings of tremendous love are still there as I delight in their happiness, their accomplishments and now their own children.

Spring Break

Springtime just feels like the time to clean. Amber is talking about spring cleaning on her blog and I am going about some cleaning-out of stuff myself. We are starting on our newest remodel project soon (like any day now). We have remodeled just about every part of this old house except the master bedroom, bath and closet. This should be our final big remodel project and it is scheduled to be done this Spring. The only problem is cleaning it all out so they can knock it down. I have a real issue with closets because I am a pack rat of sorts.

I keep so much stuff (symptoms of a hoarder are present). There are old pictures, greeting cards, newspapers, and letters cluttering my closet shelves. I have a shoe bag that is full of old letters I received back in the early 70's from friends after we moved to Lubbock from Seneca Falls. The shoe bag is from childhood, when we would wear snow boots and carry our shoes to school. There is a lot of history in all this stuff and so of course I have to sit and look through it and reminisce and then not much gets done....

So in addition to the "remembering" items, I have my clothes, shoes, hats, purses, etc. I am not sure why I keep some of the clothes I have. Am I thinking that one day I will put it on and think oh, I like this on me now? Not very likely. But I hang it back up anyway. You would think the dust marks, like hanger marks, would be enough for me to conclude it will never be worn. I just have a hard time parting with items that I think someday might be needed. I don't know why. I really only need a few items of clothing since I tend to wear the same thing over and over again, like Pamela says, it is my "uniform".

And then I move on to my storage shelves where "hoarder" red flags pop up all over the place! Who bought all these lotions, shampoos, cold medicines and facial products? I look at the expiration on some of them and am ashamed to say some dated back to the 90's. I did part with most of those things, feeling some shame and embarrassment in how many trash bags it took. I really didn't think it had been that long since I cleaned out those cabinets.

I hope when the new areas are finished, I can be better organized and maybe not keep things that reach the useless stage. I don't think I am a hoarder, since I read the definition and I don't meet all the criteria. Unfortunately I do meet the criteria of laziness. So mix that with some pack rat tendencies and the result is what I am dealing with right now. I know I will be happy when it is all done and I can get settled into the new areas and maybe that certain rat will not return for a while anyway.

Healing Faith

I am almost a month out from my surgery. So who is tired of hearing about that? Me for one. Most of the reminders of the surgery have been stored away or thrown away. The recliner chair has been removed from the living room, and the cheery flowers from loved ones and friends have wilted and been tossed. I still have a couple of butterfly band-aids hanging on, but they will soon wash off. So it feels like a new beginning. Spring is right around the corner and I feel like I have been reunited with the "land of the living".

I am not sure exactly what that means for me. I do feel changed and re-energized. I think God is wanting more from me and every day I pray for His guidance. As you can imagine, I have had a lot of time to ponder and think about my life as I am healing. I am amazed at how God led me to the point I am at right now. He could have cured me years ago, but the lesson would not have been there. I needed to work it out for myself, in His way and His time. He led me to the right doctors and He showed me where I was lacking in my faith and He has blessed me. I have heard it said that when you are given a trial there is a blessing waiting for you. I never quite understood that until now.

My blessing is an awakening and it is not just because I survived the procedure. In the last year or so, I turned it all over to God. I prayed daily, I faithfully read my Bible and boldly asked for a miracle. I have never done that before. Slowly I came to the place that allowed me to make a decision based on my solid belief- God's will be done. Don't get me wrong, it was not easy and there were times of doubt and anxiety. But the prayers of family and friends gave me the strength to move ahead.

I prayed to our Lord with the conviction that He could cure me. I referenced the woman in the Bible who was cured by one touch to Jesus' robe. I imagine now He was thinking, ah, yes, but what are you missing? I can see now her conviction was different from mine. Her belief was already evident and Jesus felt it just by the touch of His robe. That's what was missing. I wanted that kind of faith and I didn't know how severely it was lacking. I have learned a lot since then and continue to now.

I have discovered what a blessing daily time in prayer is. When I tell someone I will be praying for them, I actually mean it and it is not just a well-meaning statement of good intention. I have also discovered what it means to be lifted up in prayer. I hope that what I have found out about myself can help others who find themselves at a similar place. We are all in this "land of the living", but what does that mean without the living God in our lives? I have been fortunate enough to see both places and blessed to be granted this new beginning.

More Thoughts

So as I am recuperating from my hysterectomy, a few thoughts and words of advice have occurred to me. One such thought is to never, ever, in a moment of utter boredom, take your own picture with your cell phone camera. There is no way that will be good, believe me because I tried it three times. I looked like a cross between Grandma Hughes and Dad. No offense to either, but one is a man and the other is...well, Grandma Hughes.

Another word of advice is to never take your magnifying mirror and tweezers to the recliner with you. So much for my vow to grow out my eyebrows. A magnifying mirror is probably never a good idea for anyone over 50 at any time, but to sit with it for hours examining every pore, mole and age spot cannot be a good thing...ever.

I would also have to warn to never ask your husband to look at your incision to see if he thinks it is oozing. The look on his face, just from the question alone, should be enough to warn you not to bare your flabby, stretch-marked belly to him. And the word ooze...they don't like it from what I can tell. Something else that goes along with the oozing incision advice, is to never think your spouse wants to hear about your bathroom issues. I guess this is TMI, even if you think he is your best friend and would certainly sympathize, he just prefers not to ever go there with you, not ever.

Also never believe there is no way you will ever wear those worn out elastic-waist pants out in public. I have this one pair of black, baggy, pull-on pants that I would have sworn, pre-surgery, would never see the light of day outside of the house....wrong. I just wish I had another pair because I miss them when they end up in the wash. Yes, they must be washed because when you do go outside in the sunlight, their true condition becomes even more evident.

This is the first major surgery I have had in my lifetime. I am very aware of how lucky I am in that respect. I haven't really had a hospital stay except when the kids were born. Which brings me to another piece of advice. Never stay the night alone in the hospital. You might just end up with Big Billie, night nurse, and you might as well be on a deserted island somewhere. I was very lucky to have Linda staying with me both nights. It also helps to have your sister there to name your nurses, you know, the crazy one, the stupid one, the nice one, etc...

I have felt pretty good this week (week 3)and sometimes I have even felt some twinges of normalcy. But getting back "to normal" is still a ways out. I can only pray I will continue to get better every day, and believe me, I will leave the cell phone camera off from now on (like forever).

Just a Pic

I love this picture of Uncle Carter and Teagan. They are both growing up way too fast in my opinion!

Post-Op Thoughts

2/24 Today is day 8 after my surgery. All has gone well, or as well as expected. I have a bladder infection, which I was told was common. I don't mind being common, and I certainly don't want to develop anything uncommon.

I am very fortunate to be blessed with three caring sisters who have all taken good care of me during this recovery. They each have their own way of showing their love and compassion for my situation and each are irreplaceable. Thank you sisters!

2/26 Now it is day 10. Sue left on Day 9. I am feeling pretty good. The air bubble issues seem to be subsiding and at times I actually feel normal. But that is usually short-lived since then I do too much and subsequently collapse into "the chair".

The chair is the budget rocker/recliner we bought around the holidays for Amber to have in her room for rocking Teagan. Since then it served many nights as a bed for Todd following his shoulder surgery, and now it is my chair. We have it sitting out in the living room (rather close to the tv) with a tv tray/table beside it serving as my desk of sorts. When we bought that chair we had no idea how well it would be put to use. I remember both of us sitting in it up in Amber's room testing out the comfort and the mechanics. We thought we got a pretty good deal then, now we know we did!

I know one day I will look back on all of this and try to recall details of the days following the surgery. (Here it is already 3 years since Sue and Linda's procedures!) I hope the one thing I do remember is how thoughtful and caring my family and friends have been during all of this. It was probably one of the hardest decisions I have had to make, and their support and prayers have and continue to carry me through it all.

On a Wing and a Prayer

I told Patty I am going into my surgery next week on a wing and a prayer. I had to call the doctor's office today to light a fire under them. They still had not called me with the info about my upcoming surgery. I already knew to stop with the aspirin or Advil several days before, but what if I didn't know? They were also going to check my iron level "in plenty of time" in case I wanted to arrange for blood donations. I would venture a guess 4 days (including the weekend) is probably not going to be in plenty of time.

I am thinking, so am I going to have to stay awake and supervise the procedure too? Patty suggested Linda scrub in, but she is working that day.... It bugs me when details are not attended to. It also irks me when they promise to do one thing and forget it as soon as it is out of their mouths.

I guess it is true we need to take charge of our own health, and monitor/question the doctors and their staff. Who else is going to be our advocate? Pretty sad, but then again I don't want to rely on others to make my decisions, I want to be informed and make them myself if at all possible. But these details like scheduling and blood work, I can't do that. Frustrating.

So obviously I am a little anxious. When the nurse taking my information said, "no depression?, anxiety? mental health issues? I had to laugh. I said well I have anxiety. I am not under the care of a professional(unless you count my family who may or may not be qualified, depending on their state of mind at the time). I wanted to tell her that my family is very informed when it comes to health issues. We investigate, study and diagnose ourselves, each other, other people and even our pets. It has become a hobby of sorts, and we sometimes forget we are not actually qualified.

The Internet has made it so much easier to be your own diagnostician. When I told the nurse I had watched a hysterectomy being performed on YouTube, she looked at me at first like, you are kidding, right? But when I began asking some very detailed questions, she looked impressed, or maybe that look was pity. Either way she answered my questions.

I guess knowing too much can be a detriment at times (as well as not having access to the doctor's scheduling book). So we go on faith that God will be in control of it all and we surrender ourselves to whatever happens happens. I guess I am under the care of the professional afterall. I hope my angel has some strong wings and my prayers some clout!

Happy 18th Birthday Carter!

Lost Concerns

I have to say since Lost has finally returned to the lineup, I am getting more and more concerned. I am really worried that when it is all over and done with this season, that I still won't have a clue as to what is going on, that I still will not get it.

It is kind of like a joke someone is telling you, and they have already built it up as being such a big laugh, and the whole time you are waiting for the punchline you are worried you won't get it. That is the way I feel about Lost this season. All the commercials leading up to it being the final season and how all is going to be revealed to us....the same kind of pressure is there.

Todd has tried to watch the show with me in seasons passed, but he never could hang in there. I have explained to him it is just time travel. So he watched the season opener with me and kept saying sarcastically, oh, now I get it, its time travel.....and then looked at me with his crazy eye look and then finally got up and left the room. Well some people just don't get time travel and all the physics that are involved.

Okay, so I don't get it either, but I am sticking with it till the end and if it is still not clear then, well I don't know what I will do. I just wonder how many will be willing to admit they are still lost after it is all said and done. Maybe this is just some joke on the viewing public. Maybe there really isn't going to be an answer to all that has happened. And maybe once the punchline is delivered, we will all chuckle anyway and pretend we have a clue and then go back to how it was before Lost became a concern.

A Hoodie Hoo to February

I don't know why I can't seem to get a blog written lately. I have tried several times and then left them as drafts. At one point I had three drafts. I deleted all of them one by one. They seemed too depressing. Even though I have said in earlier blogs how depressing February is, I am not ready to give into it.

Amber, Adam and Teagan are planning a visit next weekend and I cannot wait to see them. It seems like forever since they were here and seeing Teagan on the videocam (though better than nothing) just isn't the same. There is just something about holding a baby and breathing in their baby smell that is joyful.

Their visit is right before my scheduled surgery. I have had several people comment on my calmness and acceptance of that quickly approaching event. I guess it could be I am in denial, but I don't think so. This may sound like a testimonial of sorts, even though I have never given one that I know of, but I think the prayers that are being offered up for me are providing that peace. I know I am doing the right thing. I have actually tried to dwell on it and worry about it, but I can't. My mind will not let me sit and worry about it. I know that God's hand is working there and it is such an awesome feeling....one I don't think I have ever experienced.

There have been times when I have looked back on something and realized later that God had worked His plan in it. I don't think I have ever been right there, right in the middle of a trying time and felt peace with it. I am so grateful for all those who are praying for me at this time. It has been a true blessing in my life.

Did you know there is a holiday in February called Hoodie-Hoo Day? It is a copyrighted holiday on February 20th. People who observe it go outside at noon on that day and wave their hands over their heads and shout "Hoodie Hoo!" The purpose being to chase away winter and usher in spring. I thought that was pretty funny. So on February 20th we all need to celebrate Hoodie Hoo Day with shouts and hand waving....February will not defeat us! It may not improve the weather, or rid us of the dreary overcast days, but it should make us laugh, lift our spirits and help us conquer February....Hoodie Hoo!!

Prayers for February

January has just flown by and February will be underway before I know it. I am so looking forward to the warmer months. February has always been my least favorite month. It seems so dreary, and cold and just seems to last longer than most months.

It looks like this year February will bring a big change in my life with the hysterectomy on the 16th looming. I have known I needed the surgery for a while now, but kept thinking it would all resolve itself. I prayed for a miracle like the woman in the bible who just had to touch the cloak of Jesus and her bleeding ailment was healed. So far no miracle for me in that department. I guess my miracle was realizing I was praying for healing when I should have been praying for faith.

I need faith knowing I am making the right decision. Since scheduling the date, I have started the usual doubt game in my head. I have started thinking maybe this surgery is not necessary at all. I really feel fine right now, surely I can live with this problem if it is only one week out of the month, what if I am worse off after the surgery than I am right now....and so on. I have even tried a couple of those out on Todd. He assures me that it is all going to be fine, but I wish I could be so optimistic.

It is in my nature to be optimistic, when all else fails. In other words, I usually look at things from the negative standpoint first. I know this comes as a surprise to those who know me. I can be super positive and encouraging to others and spout off all kinds of advice and support for their problems. But when it comes to me, when I have to face adversity head on, I will usually look for the negative first. I am sure it is something about me that would take years of analyzing by the experts and it might also be interesting material for a medical journal, but I prefer to do the analyzing myself and to bore (and amaze) friends and family with the details.

I guess all this leads to our small group study about greater decision making through prayer. We talked recently about always praying before any situation or request and to always ask four questions before making a final decision.The questions are: Why would I do this, why would I not do this, why should I do this and why should I not. Then analyze the answers and the decision will be right there before your eyes. I think that sounds great, but what if the answer is still not clear? I think the hardest part is learning to listen and wait for God's answer to our prayers. Sometimes the answer is not what we want to hear and is hard to accept, then I think maybe I didn't hear Him correctly.... It would be so much easier if God would just communicate by phone or text. I would love to get a text from Him saying btw, u r going 2 b fine.

I guess wishing for a direct line to the Lord is similar to wishing for the warmer months to get here. Just like the answers to our prayers, they will arrive in His time, and on His schedule. Maybe this year February will signal a new beginning and not be the month I have come to dread. February this year may just hold the answer to my prayers.

Speed Bump Ahead

Its been a while since I have written anything. Todd had his surgery Wednesday and the rest of the days have been a blur. This is not exactly what Todd had planned for the first few months of the new year, but life has a way of making a left turn just when you think you have things all mapped out.

Todd is doing really well though. He rarely complains. He just accepts the circumstances as they are and deals with it. I read the other day that complaining can can be equated with unbelief. It is the same thing as suggesting that God really doesn't know what He is doing. Wow, that kind of made me stop and think, because I think I complain a lot.

It is not something I do purposefully. It just comes naturally, without much forethought. I think most of us complain about one thing or another. We complain about the way our team is playing or about lights being left on in unoccupied rooms, but I don't think that is what the writer was referring to. His message was about finding contentment with what is happening in your life right now and that complaining actually questions God's wisdom and good judgment. Quite something to think about.

I think what I need to take from this is to watch how Todd is dealing with his current setback. It is a trial, no doubt. He is inconvenienced in many ways with wearing that cumbersome sling. His right arm is basically gone for the time being. He is having to use his left arm for just about everything, and he has yet to voice a complaint. I am not saying he is a saint, and doesn't have his moments of discouragement, but he is not a "woe is me" kind of guy. He just plugs along and does all he can by himself, asking for help only when the task is impossible with his one arm.

As you can see, I am impressed. I would have to say, I have been known to be a "woe is me" kind of girl. I want everything to go along perfectly and when a wrench gets thrown into the mix, I usually have to wail and carry on for a bit. I will eventually move passed it, but not without someone knowing about it. Not an attractive attribute, I know. I am learning though. I am observing and taking notes. I don't want to be a complainer. When God gives me a trial, I want to be able to handle it with the same attitude that Todd is displaying.

It is difficult to learn to trust God and find contentment no matter what life brings our way. There are so many things in this world that can rob us of our faith and take the place of what we should be focusing on. As mentioned in previous blogs, I am working on my prayer life and the small group I joined is studying about developing a heart for God through prayer. Just what I need at this time in my life. God is truly amazing in how He works to help us along on the road to contentment, we just need to leave the planning to Him and what is truly important in life will become more evident along the way.

Oh, Carterboy

Todd calls Carter, "Carterboy". I usually call him "sweetie". I think I will always call him that. I am still amazed that Carter's 18th birthday is just weeks off. How did that time go so quickly? We have had an interesting journey during Carter's growing up years and there were times (still are) when all we could do was throw up our hands and wonder why things happen the way they do.

For example, the other day I came across a letter I had written to Carter's 6th grade teacher at Trinity. I was apparently unhappy with her assessment of him and thought she should know a little bit about our son. While reading it, I began to relive the emotions I felt at the time it was written. I so wanted to protect him from such an unfair world. As I read my well thought out statements about Carter, I started remembering things about him I had since forgotten. My one and a half page "rant" covered everything, and more! Here are some snippets from the letter with my updated comments in italics:


Carter Thompson, age 11, December 10, 2003
Carter wants to be an inventor when he grows up. He likes to think of new inventions and describe them in detail to us. The themes of most of his “inventions” are improvements on the everyday things we use to make them faster or more convenient.
He likes to play chess. He does not always win, but he enjoys thinking of a strategy. He also likes to do jig saw puzzles. He will sit for long periods of time trying to find just one certain piece. He enjoys anything that presents a puzzle for him. He designs roller coasters, zoos and amusements parks on his computer games. Today Carter is wanting to major in either architecture or engineering. He is a whiz on the computer, excels in his design classes at school and still amazes us with his creative ideas.

Carter likes to interact with adults. He will visit elderly neighbors and former neighbors on his own. He looks adults in the eye when they talk to him and will even offer his hand to shake when meeting someone for the first time. We get numerous compliments about Carter and his behavior in social settings. Right now Carter works at United as a sacker, stocker, and trainer. He shows confidence when talking to adults, still looks them in the eye and will go out of his way to shake someone's hand or bid them goodbye. Many people tell us how rare it is for someone his age to exhibit those social skills.

Carter asks hard questions. He thinks about things on a much deeper level than you would expect of an 11 year old. He wants to know why things are the way they are and how things work. He asks questions about God, death and the universe that get us thinking as well.
Carter wants everything to be fair. He doesn’t understand why people have to hurt one another. Boys that say mean things to him or physically bully him make him frustrated and angry. Carter is not an overly physical or aggressive child. He is sympathetic to anyone he perceives as “the underdog”. Carter certainly has a servant's heart. He is a loyal friend to those others may not even bother to get to know. He does not judge on appearance, but on heart, and it has taken some time for us, as his parents, to understand that.

Carter can be forgetful, but he has a great memory. He tends to forget assignments or to brush his teeth, but he can recite information he finds interesting or fun with ease. He likes to discover information about a subject that is obscure and gets satisfaction from telling us something we didn’t know. Carter still frustrates us. He can be lazy, forgetful, sloppy and argumentative. At times he thinks he knows better than us, thinks the house is one big trash can and requires "coaxing" from us to accomplish chores or meet deadlines. In other words, he is a teenager!

My letter goes on about his allergies, his hobbies of reading and playing the guitar and finishes with suggestions on how we can all help him become better organized without the use of medications. I was his biggest advocate back then. I was ready to take them all on to prove my child was not different from any other.

I never sent that letter. I guess because after I finished it and reread it (probably dozens of times), I knew I didn't write that letter for his teacher. I wrote it for myself. I am sure I was frustrated with the teacher, with Carter, just with the whole situation. I needed to remind myself at that time, how very special Carter was. And yes, he was different from the average child, he was above average!

We have been blessed with an amazing son. Sometimes, especially now when teenager hood seems to have robbed me of my little boy, I need to be reminded of that. So as I get all bent out of shape when I find the basement looking like a bomb had been recently detonated, or when his room looks like it contains a year's worth of laundry and garbage, I need to be reminded we only have him "on loan". The days of him wanting to hold my hand in the car, or just get a hug, are now my sweet memories. They have been replaced with "love you Mom", as he flies out the door in the morning and quick hugs as he arrives home from his day. He has a life already mapped out for him, and I feel pretty certain God has special plans for our Carterboy. The journey, albeit, bitter sweet, has been very much worth it.

Dim the Lights Dear

This blog has taken me all day to complete. I need to remember not to start writing on a weekend. There are way too many distractions and today there seemed to be more than usual.

I hope that hearing from Todd today that he is reading my blog, won't change how I approach my writing. I mean for heavens sake, he is my husband. He knows everything about me, all my anxieties, all my many issues, all my waking thoughts.....well, come to think about it, he may be about to learn more than he ever wanted to know. I believe he is about to shine a light on a whole other side of the woman he married.

One thing he does know, is that he is married to a woman of many moods. I don't think he realizes, however, that women don't have control over these rapid changes in our moods. Now I don't mean we are Sybil-esk, so to speak, with different personalities all unaware of what the other is doing. We can and do observe the takeover of these new selves, we just have to fade into the background and observe since the "visiting" self can be rather bold. Then later, when we emerge from the shadows, we prefer to not be reminded of what our "stand-in" did, said or threatened!

It is also possible Todd will come to realize just how much time his wife has on her hands. Or at least it might look that way to him. I don't just sit here all day and blog. I will get up and get coffee, or talk on the phone to Patty and sometimes I even get dinner started, before actually completing a blog. I mean it is winter. Usually I have fifteen or so hours a week devoted to golf otherwise! I am sure he will find my multi-tasking impressive instead of questionable.

Todd even gave me some material to use in a blog. He suggested I write about a recent episode involving my Nintendo DS stylus. I have been doing daily crosswords on the Nintendo and one evening discovered the stylus missing. After thoroughly questioning him and Carter about its whereabouts and conducting an all out search of the house, I had given it up for lost. I then began berating myself for probably having thrown it away, or some other ridiculous act as a result of my having "lost my mind". Well a few days later as I was shoving a foot into one of my boots, I felt a foreign object stabbing my toes. I quickly removed the boot, dumped it over and out fell the stylus! He found the outcome very interesting and gave me a stern lecture about not being so hard on myself. But he missed the point...how did the stylus get in my boot? Here is a picture of what it looks like.


I think the stylus story reinforces my reference earlier to the "many faces of Kasey". Wouldn't that be considered a ridiculous act during a mindless moment? As much as I try to piece together what events could have led up to the stylus ending up in my boot, I really can't come up with anything remotely logical.

I have to say I am glad Todd is reading my blog. I think he will come to a greater understanding of who I am and how my mind works. It will be healthy for our marriage that he gets to look at me in a whole other light. How many men get to learn so much about their wives' inner most thoughts and ideas? What a wonderful opportunity he must be thinking...... and in all likelihood, he will come to wish he had kept the light dimmer, maybe a whole lot dimmer!

Journey of the Blog

When I started this blog, I had no idea what I was going to write about. In fact, I questioned what someone of my age could write about that would be of interest to anyone. For most of the blogs I have written, I just clicked on new post and wrote what came to mind. Today's post is a little more "spirit" driven. The blogs from the sisters have tilted this week toward talk of their spiritual journey and then today my devotional kind of hit on that target, so I feel driven to write about it.

My devotional asked, "Have you ever consciously moved into the realm of God not only as your Savior but also as your Master and Lord? Is God tugging on your heart for you to completely surrender all to Him? Are you holding on to your life too tightly? What are you afraid will happen if you surrender it all to God?

I just sat there and stared at those questions. Then I checked the date to see if I was on the right day. I have had a problem with all of the above. I just have never had them presented so point blank. It continued with "For many of us, we're quick to make God the Savior of our life, but making Him Lord and Master- the One in complete authority and control of us- is a different story." There it is again, as if someones been inside my head.

So I need to be honest about my true commitment to give myself, my life to God. It is a hard thing to do. Especially hard for someone who devotes most of her waking and non-waking energy to maintaining control. How do you go from decades of trying to keep it all together, to just surrendering it all? Well, prayer is the obvious answer. Praying for release from the anxieties that have clung to me like lint on that black sweater I love to wear. It would be much easier if I could take the lint brush to them and off they come, but no it won't be that easy. I will have to pull them off one by one, releasing each one to the air, floating, circling around me still capable of attaching back on if I am not careful.

It will be a hard task for me, but I am taking up the challenge and I will use my blog to help me along the way. So it is clear I will have some direction in my blogging. This blog has been very therapeutic in a lot of ways for me and I can tell from the sisters' blogs it has been the same for them. I think the inward searching we are doing, sharing our daily happenings and thoughts, and the ability to laugh at ourselves is a big step toward accepting exactly who we are and who we are becoming.

"IT" was a Christmas Tree

We bought a new Christmas tree after the holidays were over. The old one had several sections of lights that would not work and after numerous attempts to fix them and realizing we could not turn the entire tree to the wall in order to hide the flaws, we broke down and ordered one online. This tree came with a free storage bag! When it arrived the other day, the UPS man struggled to get it in the door on a dolly, mumbled how heavy it was and walked out. He left it standing upright where I could not close the front door and so I wrestled the 100+lb box to the floor and there it sat for a couple of days. Since Todd is one-armed at the moment, he certainly could not move it and Carter preferred to walk passed it like it had always been there.

So yesterday I decided to assemble the tree (in order to utilize that great, free storage bag)and make sure all the lights worked. My hope was for Carter and I to then move it to the storage room. After several hours, and the arrival of darkness, I got it put together. Carter helped me pull the storage bag up and get it secured and now there it sits. Maybe it would be better to say there it looms. Its very presence is kind of menacing. Everytime I walk into the room now I jump, like someone is standing there. I will see it out of the corner of my eye and get a jolt. Roxy is making a very wide berth around it and certainly won't make eye contact with it and I am pretty sure I heard Todd say "excuse me" to it last night!

This morning before I walked down the stairs, I reminded myself that it was there, so not to have a heart attack. But later, as I rounded the corner from the office, my heart leaped as I confronted it.

I guess the question now is who will move it, or maybe how will someone move it, or even more frightening what shall we name it?

God is so Good!

I have been talking to Amber the last couple of days about Teagan's new tooth, Teagan's feeding schedule and her growth, etc. All things I remember worrying about when I was a new mother. The only difference is back then I didn't have a Grams to call to ask the questions, to fret, to be comforted. I am so thankful that I am here for Amber and for the relationship that we have.

I have memories of Amber as a baby, when I would look at her in awe and wonder and think how did I deserve something this amazing and how will she survive? At the time, I knew nothing about anything to do with raising a child. But even in all my ignorance and lack of experience, she kept growing, developing on schedule and filling my life in ways I had never thought possible.

I realize now in those times when I panicked and cried over how I could possibly do this job, God took it over. Just as He has done many more times in my 50 plus years. You just don't realize it at the time. It is not until you look back and say I don't know how I did this, or survived that and then it hits you, you really had nothing to do with it at all. He took over, He got me through it, He got Amber through it. He had a plan for her to be Teagan's mommy. And His plan for me continues....to be there to teach her about God's wisdom, His plans for her and His love that got her to where she is today.

So every time I see Amber's name on my caller id, I realize how truly blessed I am. I can be here for her, I can teach her, support her and calm those new mommy fears. How truly amazing it is to realize that all those years ago, holding my sweet new baby, that a plan was in place and what a joyous and wonderful plan it was!

Whats In a Name?

As with every January, it was time for me to see my doctor for the usual physical and bloodwork. I will admit right off, I swore last year I was changing doctors and then I didn't do it. It just seems to be such a pain to start all over again with someone new. This doctor, even though she can be somewhat intimidating, very anal (I prefer to think thorough) and not the warmest bun in the oven....has been my doctor for several years. First clue that I have never quite warmed up to her, she found out today that I go by 'Kasey' and not the 'Mary' she has gotten used to. She had a new nurse and the nurse threw me off by asking if "Mary" is what I go by and I dropped my guard and told her no, "Kasey". I was quick to say, realizing my mistake, that the Dr. calls me "Mary", however.

Well, I guess she made note of that in my file, probably right under the many notes, sidebars, and wise remarks that have been filling my chart for years.(Do you think it says "difficult" anywhere in there?) So the first thing the doctor says to me is, "do you mean after all these years, you have not told us you go by Kasey?" And I stammer, and stutter and explain (probably with too many words) that it was just more convenient for insurance purposes to leave it as Mary. She was smiling, but her eyes showed a different amusement, kind of like a "gotcha" look as she flips through the pages of notes in my chart. Luckily my blood pressure had already been taken. She continued to call me "Kasey", using it alot more than necessary(she said she was trying to get used to it), but I knew it was a control thing with her.

When I finished there, I had to go to another doctor's office for a bone density test. In that waiting room, I encounter two older men who decide I look like someone they wanted to know. I have discussed this with Patty before. People tend to talk to us. We have come to the conclusion that we must have a look about us that registers "I Will Listen" to complete strangers. The first gentleman was quick to offer advice about the registration papers I was filling out. The second man wanted to know if this was my first visit, what I was there for (excuse me?!) and if I knew the Lord. Yes, he was concerned about my salvation. Can't complain about someone looking out for your soul, but it can be a little disconcerting in the setting of a doctor's office. I, at one point, considered I might be on candid camera, but since the hidden camera was never revealed, I have to assume that wasn't the case.

Quite an interesting morning. I honestly believe encounters with people, even complete strangers have some meaning. For instance, when those men stuck out their hands to introduce themselves, I replied I was "Kasey" Thompson. Total strangers, who I will most likely never meet again know that I go by "Kasey". I thought of that as soon as I said the words. It occurred to me, that the control issue with my doctor may not be her issue at all. Could it be I was hiding behind "Mary"? In looking back, the appointment did go well. I didn't leave feeling like things were left unsaid, or unresolved as in previous years. Maybe I will keep this doctor another year, see what happens, maybe she will be okay afterall.

Pass the Prayer, please

Today is my first day to attend a woman's small group/bible study at our church. I received an email from the group's leader welcoming me to the group and she included a short rundown of what we will do the first day. She says we will read the introduction of the book we will be studying, watch a short video, spend some time in prayer and catch up on each other's lives. Wait, spend some time in prayer? What exactly does she mean by that? Will I have to pray out loud? Hello, my name is Kasey and I have prayer anxiety. I know I am not alone in having a problem with praying aloud. Patty's funny story about being at parents day at a bible camp where Lindsey and her cousin were attending, comes to mind. When they gathered in a group to pray before leaving the girls, and the camp counselor asked Mike to offer the prayer he said "I pass".

I often wonder what would happen if I am asked to lead a group in prayer. "Kasey, will you lead us in the prayer?".....um, do you mean a Hail Mary?, a Bless us oh Lord for these thy gifts?, the standard Our Father? Because I am/was a Catholic. I have long since left the church and now attend church of another faith, but when you go to Catholic church and Catholic schools, I guess you never shed the Catholic in you. We didn't "just pray" growing up. When the priest said let us pray....he read from what I assumed was the "Priest's book of Prayers", you know the one held open by the altar boy. So my dilemma anytime I am in a group situation that involves the Bible, I get a gut twisting feeling until it is determined who will lead the opening prayer and who will close. Hmmm, that would mean I have that twisted feeling for the majority of our time together.

Maybe I should have given my decision to join a group of women I barely know, that will expect praying, a little more thought. I should have asked more questions such as... What book will we be studying?, Will I have to pray out loud?, How long is the class? Um, yes ma'am I did ask if you would have to pray out loud, I mean not you, but me, uh, never mind......Why does her voice, in my head, sound like Charlie Brown's teacher?

Maybe there's a Dummies Guide to Leading the Prayer available at the book store. It will have suggestions like how to begin your prayer, the dos and don'ts of a good prayer or maybe what all good prayers contain. I don't know. Do you approach prayer like an essay, with an introduction, body and closing? Will I have to present opposing views? I will have to check into that.

In the meantime, I will attend the bible study today and pray (to myself, of course) that I am not that person who gets the calling to lead us in prayer and all I can say is "I pass."

Dreaming, I must be dreaming....

I wanted to write about the dream I had last night because it was so bizarre and I feel if I don't write it down soon, the details will escape me. I will occasionally have these dreams where I feel like I am actually awake and participating in them. It is hard to explain, but usually it is when I have been having a hard time going to sleep and I seem to be in a half dreamlike state.
Anyway, I woke up around 2a.m. and could not go back to sleep. I turned on the tv and watched some episodes of Cheers and a Properties Virgin episode on HGTV and then switched to Fox News. I know I was still awake at 3:30. All of a sudden I feel this electrical impulse going through my entire body and I feel myself being lifted to the ceiling. I actually remember thinking I guess I am dying or possibly the rapture is occurring! But then I found myself just looking down at my empty bed and then I dropped onto it, and quite gracefully leaped from it to the floor. Then Todd was in the room and I told him what happened. The electrical buzzing feeling started again and I floated up about halfway to the ceiling and then dropped back to the floor. I cried out to Todd, what is happening? He just stared at me and said I guess I didn't see what you are talking about. Are you kidding me? I was so frustrated and was crying and then thought I felt it about to happen again. Instead, I was throwing my feet up in the air, but not going up! Obviously looking like I had lost my mind. Todd was just looking at me blankly. Carter walked in just then and said there was a national emergency announced on Fox news and I woke up.
I know, that is so bizarre. I was drenched in sweat and could only lay there thinking did that really happen? I then remembered when looking down from my vantage point (the ceiling) that it was light outside and I had thought to myself how could it be light at 4am. Also the bedding on my bed, was really nice.....so obviously not my bed and when I made the leap from bed to floor, it seemed like the room was bigger. I kept going over the details of the dream to convince myself it really didn't happen.
Is that strange or what? Should I have kept that story to myself?
I looked up the possible interpretation of such a dream and it said that I am rising above a negative situation or occurance. Hmmm, does that have something to do with the national emergency Carter was talking about, or is it that I am rising above Todd's shoulder injury? I have worried alot about Todd not taking it a little slower in fear he will reinjure the shoulder or make it worse. In fact, I said to Susan, why am I worrying if he is not....so there you go. I feel better, ....I think.

Stop the Clock!

I have always heard it said about the passage of time, wait till you have kids, then you will see how very quickly it all goes by. I certainly can attest to that and now even add, just wait till you have grandkids. I can't believe Carter will be 18 next month and Teagan is already over a half year old. I lay in bed sometimes and try to recall details of something that happened years ago, and I can only recollect bits and pieces. I have just let the passage of time envelop so much of my life that I sometimes think I wasn't even present, or that I was just going through the motions. Now that I have entered the fabulous fifties, I am trying to slow it all down and look at things longer, notice things more, hold on to things a little tighter. So why now with an older mind and a memory that seems to be in skip mode have I decided this? I think I would call it an awareness. You start to become more aware of your frailities, your mortality is coming more into focus and you start to fight it. So this is life. It is so easy when you are young to be so much "in the world" that you forget to be present. One day Carter and Teagan will learn the lesson for themselves, but I will still say to them along the way, if you think time goes fast now just wait till you have kids!

Fumble-ina

I remember Patty saying once that Mike told her she was going too fast when she was finding herself in the midst of klutzhood.
Not a day goes by lately where I don't drop something, spill something or break something. I just got through cleaning up my morning smoothie that I so cleverly dumped on the computer desk. Luckily it did not spill onto the keyboard. But I am disturbed by this sudden onset of clumsiness. I dropped and broke so many ornaments this Christmas that Todd told me to go sit down and relax and he would finish decorating. So you know it was serious! Is this just a symptom of getting older? Is this a stage of aging? Like Teagan is just learning how to do things, do we start unlearning? Do we reach a certain point in life and then boom our motor skills go in reverse? That is a depressing thought. If the stages in life are baby, toddler, child, teenager, adult, old person....what are the stages from adult to old person? Maybe we could insert the stages of grief there....shock & denial, pain, anger& bargaining, depression, reconstruction(this may start sooner) and then acceptance & hope.
Hmmm, I think I will stick with Mike's explanation....slow down, quit moving so fast, try to make adulthood last....(isn't that a song?)

Greeting the Day

I awoke today with the good intention to start the new year with exercise. I hadn't been to workout at Curves since the week after Thanksgiving. Where did December go? So I sat and drank my coffee and then drank some more and finally made the move to get dressed and out the door. When I get there the message on the check-in screen flashes....time for your weigh-in & measurements.....uh oh. I knew just by the way my clothes had been fitting that there was probably some weight gain, but I wasn't ready for the inches gained! Supposedly, I have gained 3 inches in my hips since this time last year and an inch in each thigh! The woman doing the dirty work started giving me a lecture on when you enter your 50's, how your body stores more fat, blah, blah, the rushing noise in my ears was drowning her out. So I put on my best "oh sure, I can remedy this" face and got to work on the machines.
And now we have all these new aches and pains associated with age. Today, my daily devotional (coincidentally) was about greeting the day. The author recommends you raise one's head from the pillow and utter that child prayer of gratitude, "Oh God, life again. Again, one more day of life." Hmmm, I already say that prayer alot, but I am not sure I put the emphasis on the right parts. So, I will work on not taking life for granted and trying to celebrate each new day with gratitude and thanksgiving. I sure will be glad when the new year starts getting old and these good intentions can be put to rest!

New Year thought

Here we are already 3 days into the new year! I came across this passage written by the author, Judith Lechman, and I thought this was very fitting for starting a new year. I know we all talk about worrying less and having the courage to step out and try new things. I need to realize that surrender is a good thing, and not only realize it, but to live it as well.

"We soon find it all but impossible to live the
Christian life with our own strength and
goodness. It is through God's strength that we
know courage, and through His power that we
know goodness. When we realize this, surrender
becomes our priority. In seeking to unite our
will with God's more fully, we don't want a fixed
blissful union with Him, one that is filled with
passivity. Surrendering to Him means growth
and progress. It is the freedom of moving forward
with and through Him, so that each of our
relationships and all our work, worship,
suffering, and play reflect what He wants of us."

Taking Down Christmas

I am taking down Christmas today. It is kind of depressing, but Todd assures me I will feel much better after it is done. He, however, is not here. So I will carry on with hopes of "feeling much better" soon. New Years eve was uneventful. Todd woke me as I napped on the couch and informed me it was not even 9:00 yet. I could sense a little disgust in his tone. I am grateful every year we are on CST so we can "celebrate" at 11:00 with the Time Square people and feel like we stayed up to greet the new year. Oh, I wanted to mention before I forget. That little tab up at the top of the blog site that says "next blog", Patty informed me if you click on it you go to some random person's blog. As she was telling me that I clicked on it and I found myself reading about some young family with a new baby. Later when I was sitting here I decided to click on it and see if it takes me to the same sweet family. Instead I am at some "spank me" blog!! Someone has a blog dedicated to the art of spanking with pictures (naked, yes) to go with it! So beware, haha.