Someones Mother

"You won't remember how it started with us, the things that I know about you that you don't even know about yourselves. We won't come back here.

You'll remember middle school and high school, but you'll have changed by then. You changing will make me change. That means you won't ever know me as I am right now-the mother I am tonight and tomorrow, the mother I've been for the last eight years, every bath and book and birthday party, gone. It won't hit you that you're missing this chapter of our story until you see me push your child on a swing or untangle his jump rope or wave a bee away from his head and think, Is this what she was like with me?"

That is an excerpt from a book I read entitled "Lift" by Kelly Corrigan. As I read that, I tried to swallow the lump forming in my throat. I thought of Amber and Teagan. As I watch Amber watching her daughter I remember exactly what that felt like- the pride and wonderment all at the same time. There's all the planning, the scheduling, and the worry along with the tremendous feelings of love and then those delightful moments of being a mother to a young child. Those are not her memories, they are mine. Being a mother defined who I was. Even as a single mother, the fact that I was someones mother was always at the forefront of my thoughts as I worked, went out with friends, and dated.

Now here Carter is finishing up his senior year and looking towards college life and dorm living, and my role of mother is being redefined. How do you do that after 27 years of being someones mother? As Amber grew up and out of the house, I still had Carter nine years behind her. It seemed like an eternity back then, and now here it is in the blink of an eye. My children don't know me as the mother, the person I was back then. Just like the times I try to recall Mom and how she might have been during my childhood. I have memories and my ideas of how she was, but how could I really know the young woman raising six children all under the age of 10? I am afraid her "delightful moments" may have been limited!

The lump in my throat as I was reading that passage was from a mix of sadness and happiness. I have such sweet memories of raising Amber and Carter. The blessings I have received from both are too many to name. I know one day Amber will look at Teagan the same way I find myself watching her now. You know, those "lump in the throat" moments are still happening. Only now I watch my young adult children living and planning their own lives. The pride, and feelings of tremendous love are still there as I delight in their happiness, their accomplishments and now their own children.

Spring Break

Springtime just feels like the time to clean. Amber is talking about spring cleaning on her blog and I am going about some cleaning-out of stuff myself. We are starting on our newest remodel project soon (like any day now). We have remodeled just about every part of this old house except the master bedroom, bath and closet. This should be our final big remodel project and it is scheduled to be done this Spring. The only problem is cleaning it all out so they can knock it down. I have a real issue with closets because I am a pack rat of sorts.

I keep so much stuff (symptoms of a hoarder are present). There are old pictures, greeting cards, newspapers, and letters cluttering my closet shelves. I have a shoe bag that is full of old letters I received back in the early 70's from friends after we moved to Lubbock from Seneca Falls. The shoe bag is from childhood, when we would wear snow boots and carry our shoes to school. There is a lot of history in all this stuff and so of course I have to sit and look through it and reminisce and then not much gets done....

So in addition to the "remembering" items, I have my clothes, shoes, hats, purses, etc. I am not sure why I keep some of the clothes I have. Am I thinking that one day I will put it on and think oh, I like this on me now? Not very likely. But I hang it back up anyway. You would think the dust marks, like hanger marks, would be enough for me to conclude it will never be worn. I just have a hard time parting with items that I think someday might be needed. I don't know why. I really only need a few items of clothing since I tend to wear the same thing over and over again, like Pamela says, it is my "uniform".

And then I move on to my storage shelves where "hoarder" red flags pop up all over the place! Who bought all these lotions, shampoos, cold medicines and facial products? I look at the expiration on some of them and am ashamed to say some dated back to the 90's. I did part with most of those things, feeling some shame and embarrassment in how many trash bags it took. I really didn't think it had been that long since I cleaned out those cabinets.

I hope when the new areas are finished, I can be better organized and maybe not keep things that reach the useless stage. I don't think I am a hoarder, since I read the definition and I don't meet all the criteria. Unfortunately I do meet the criteria of laziness. So mix that with some pack rat tendencies and the result is what I am dealing with right now. I know I will be happy when it is all done and I can get settled into the new areas and maybe that certain rat will not return for a while anyway.

Healing Faith

I am almost a month out from my surgery. So who is tired of hearing about that? Me for one. Most of the reminders of the surgery have been stored away or thrown away. The recliner chair has been removed from the living room, and the cheery flowers from loved ones and friends have wilted and been tossed. I still have a couple of butterfly band-aids hanging on, but they will soon wash off. So it feels like a new beginning. Spring is right around the corner and I feel like I have been reunited with the "land of the living".

I am not sure exactly what that means for me. I do feel changed and re-energized. I think God is wanting more from me and every day I pray for His guidance. As you can imagine, I have had a lot of time to ponder and think about my life as I am healing. I am amazed at how God led me to the point I am at right now. He could have cured me years ago, but the lesson would not have been there. I needed to work it out for myself, in His way and His time. He led me to the right doctors and He showed me where I was lacking in my faith and He has blessed me. I have heard it said that when you are given a trial there is a blessing waiting for you. I never quite understood that until now.

My blessing is an awakening and it is not just because I survived the procedure. In the last year or so, I turned it all over to God. I prayed daily, I faithfully read my Bible and boldly asked for a miracle. I have never done that before. Slowly I came to the place that allowed me to make a decision based on my solid belief- God's will be done. Don't get me wrong, it was not easy and there were times of doubt and anxiety. But the prayers of family and friends gave me the strength to move ahead.

I prayed to our Lord with the conviction that He could cure me. I referenced the woman in the Bible who was cured by one touch to Jesus' robe. I imagine now He was thinking, ah, yes, but what are you missing? I can see now her conviction was different from mine. Her belief was already evident and Jesus felt it just by the touch of His robe. That's what was missing. I wanted that kind of faith and I didn't know how severely it was lacking. I have learned a lot since then and continue to now.

I have discovered what a blessing daily time in prayer is. When I tell someone I will be praying for them, I actually mean it and it is not just a well-meaning statement of good intention. I have also discovered what it means to be lifted up in prayer. I hope that what I have found out about myself can help others who find themselves at a similar place. We are all in this "land of the living", but what does that mean without the living God in our lives? I have been fortunate enough to see both places and blessed to be granted this new beginning.

More Thoughts

So as I am recuperating from my hysterectomy, a few thoughts and words of advice have occurred to me. One such thought is to never, ever, in a moment of utter boredom, take your own picture with your cell phone camera. There is no way that will be good, believe me because I tried it three times. I looked like a cross between Grandma Hughes and Dad. No offense to either, but one is a man and the other is...well, Grandma Hughes.

Another word of advice is to never take your magnifying mirror and tweezers to the recliner with you. So much for my vow to grow out my eyebrows. A magnifying mirror is probably never a good idea for anyone over 50 at any time, but to sit with it for hours examining every pore, mole and age spot cannot be a good thing...ever.

I would also have to warn to never ask your husband to look at your incision to see if he thinks it is oozing. The look on his face, just from the question alone, should be enough to warn you not to bare your flabby, stretch-marked belly to him. And the word ooze...they don't like it from what I can tell. Something else that goes along with the oozing incision advice, is to never think your spouse wants to hear about your bathroom issues. I guess this is TMI, even if you think he is your best friend and would certainly sympathize, he just prefers not to ever go there with you, not ever.

Also never believe there is no way you will ever wear those worn out elastic-waist pants out in public. I have this one pair of black, baggy, pull-on pants that I would have sworn, pre-surgery, would never see the light of day outside of the house....wrong. I just wish I had another pair because I miss them when they end up in the wash. Yes, they must be washed because when you do go outside in the sunlight, their true condition becomes even more evident.

This is the first major surgery I have had in my lifetime. I am very aware of how lucky I am in that respect. I haven't really had a hospital stay except when the kids were born. Which brings me to another piece of advice. Never stay the night alone in the hospital. You might just end up with Big Billie, night nurse, and you might as well be on a deserted island somewhere. I was very lucky to have Linda staying with me both nights. It also helps to have your sister there to name your nurses, you know, the crazy one, the stupid one, the nice one, etc...

I have felt pretty good this week (week 3)and sometimes I have even felt some twinges of normalcy. But getting back "to normal" is still a ways out. I can only pray I will continue to get better every day, and believe me, I will leave the cell phone camera off from now on (like forever).

Just a Pic

I love this picture of Uncle Carter and Teagan. They are both growing up way too fast in my opinion!