Shame on Me

There are many things in my past that I have been ashamed of. I have hidden them, made excuses for them, and blamed others for them in the attempt to justify their existence. Lately though I have come to terms with them. I have finally forgiven myself and most importantly accepted God's forgiveness. It has been so hard for me to believe that God loved me through all of those times that, in my mind, let Him down. The good news is He did!

Today in my bible study it was pointed out that our past shares root with our future. And our destiny is tied up in some way with our past and it is where God has been leading us all along. That is something to which I need to ponder. Those things which have plagued me for so long, that I have tried to forget and rewrite, are me. God knew I was a sinner, knew I would commit sins and He still loved me, sent His Son to pay the price for them and promises me His love and eternal life with Him.

I wrote the above two paragraphs several weeks ago and then let them sit unpublished. I wasn't really sure what I should be writing in my blog anymore. Linda pointed out my absence from writing and I told her I felt too "conscious" of what I am writing now. I guess I felt the calling to bear all and in that knew it was going to be tough. But God finds ways....and with me, I have this small voice inside reminding me of what I should be doing and it is not letting up!

I have this daily ritual with my devotionals. I read the daily devotional from the Journey magazine I get monthly. At the bottom of the devotional is a deeper walk where you go to the scripture reading related to the writing. After reading the verses, my certain Bible has devotionals all through the book titled by the day of the week. So I go to the closest one, like today I found Wednesday, and read about Thomas, the doubter. The deeper walk for Wednesday led me to Isaiah 40:6-8.
"A voice says, 'Cry out.'
And I said 'What shall I cry?'
"All men are like grass, and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them. Surely the people are grass. The grass withers and flowers fall, but the word of our God stands forever."

And I knew, God expects me to share my daily walk with others. I have never been one to preach the Bible. I am so green when it comes to the Bible, but as He has put on my heart (often), He doesn't called the equipped, he equips the called. So I say, why me? and He answers why not you? Go figure, He has an answer to everything. I guess He thinks if I am going to be at this darn computer everyday, why not do something useful. Those Bejeweled scores are not impressing Him?

So if you are reading this and think who does she think she is? Believe me, I am right there with you. I have never before felt like I am a writer or more than that, a qualified giver of spiritual advice! I am human and I have survived many lessons in life, usually the hard way. I am the first to drop eye contact with anyone asking a scripture related question or for someone to offer the prayer! But I will not ignore the small, quiet voice telling me I have more to offer. If God is telling me that my past is the road to my future, then I am taking it!

Picture Collage

 

I have been messing with my Picasa photo editor as you can see. I am still learning all it can do, but I thought this was pretty neat. I have so many photos on my computer and I really need to try and organize them. I would be crushed if something should happen and I lose them.

April Fools

Unfortunately it is no April Fools that I am looking older. Tomorrow I will not wake up with a more youthful look no matter what the anti-aging products "guarantee". Does that keep me from falling for their pitches and promotions? Unfortunately, no.

I went to the Clinique counter last week in search of some new facial products. I was a Prescriptives user, but they have gone out of business. So after answering some pretty basic questions, Joyce (my new best friend in cosmetics) had the perfect solutions for all my aging concerns. Exfoliate and apply about three different liquids, lotions and creams. Am I wrong to think that applying all those products on top of each other just cancels out the one before? I am sure Joyce knows what she is talking about, she is after all wearing a white lab coat.

Then Joyce tells me there is a special next week if I schedule a makeup session- I will get this very stylish and fun looking cosmetic bag for free! The picture she holds up shows a very hip woman in a bright pink trench coat hurrying to board a flight (probably to some tropical destination) carrying, of course, the very stylish cosmetic bag that I could have for free! I, of course, signed up immediately.

So there I sat a week later, poised on the white, contemporary, yet clinical-looking, bar stool while Joyce removed my makeup. Why do I feel so defenseless as she questions me about my makeup regimen? It was like she was the makeup police and I was the offending user of the less than desirable products. I reluctantly admitted to using grocery store and drugstore paraphernalia. I expected her to tell me to empty my purse on the counter and she would examine, then toss my tubes of unused lipstick in disgust.

After she paints my face with the foundation (she was using a brush I use for basting meat) she has me turn to look in the mirror. After the immediate shock, I question the color (I looked like I had a full summer tan) and the finish. She said my complexion looked "dewy", I thought it looked in need of some major blotting. Better to look dewy than dry was her answer. She continued with the heavy hand on my eye makeup and blush. You know how big I am on that! The eyeliner on one eye was thicker than the other, so my already lazy eye looked like it had one martini too many. Next came the lip liner and lipstick. When she asked what I used for lipstick I told her that when I do wear it, my sister usually tells me "you need lipstick", if that tells her anything.

As I am paying for my products ( I swear I only bought ones I will use), I asked about my free makeup bag. She turns to me and puts on her very best "can you believe it" face and says they ran out of them. Me, being who I am (aka, idiot, fool..)says oh, that's okay. She then goes to the back and comes out this little, plastic, zippered makeup case and acts like it will replace the fun polka dot travel anywhere promotional bag. So the warm, tropical destination thinking, is now replaced with the won't that be handy, guess I will be staying home thinking.

After putting myself through that form of humiliation, I hit the escalator to the foundation (okay, bras and panties) department. Why was I torturing myself that day you may wonder? (At least I didn't go the the bathing suit department where suicidal thoughts run rampant on a daily basis.) I really wanted to see the new Spanx products Patty and I have been reading about. They promised control and comfort all rolled up in one! I grabbed a couple of items (being ignored by the help) and headed to the dressing room. The reason that no one was offering to help me became very evident when I saw myself in the dressing room mirror. My makeup looked like a mask I could remove and lay on the table beside me! OMG! What was I doing walking through the store looking like Tammy Faye Baker (maybe a slight exaggeration). I tried to "blend", but my hands and now their bras were becoming stained with brown. Not only that, but I looked older than when I arrived!

I wonder sometimes about the quest to look younger. Maybe it is because of all the advertising we hear about how to take years off the look of our skin and we start examining and scrutinizing ourselves. Then the search begins for the perfect product or the right treatment for the problem. The problem it seems is aging. And as hard as that is to accept, it is a fact of life- if we are blessed to still be here to experience it. I doubt my search for the miracle anti-aging product will stop any time soon. I am glad God has blessed me to still be here and He has given me a sense of humor to see how ridiculous it can all be at times. I guess I could look at this aging thing as God's April Fools on me and at least I can be certain His guarantees will hold true.