I haven't written on here in a long time. I would come here and write sometimes and realize it was just therapy for myself and never post the blog.
Since we have just started the Lenten season I thought it appropriate to write about something that has hit me hard in a lesson we are studying in my small bible study group. We are studying David with Beth Moore (my hero, haha). If you have never done a study led by her I highly recommend it. She is amazing.
During one segment Beth is talking about David's reaction when Uzzah mishandled the ark of God and was immediately struck dead by the Lord (2Samuel 6). So one minute David is celebrating and leading a parade of worshipers and then tragedy strikes. Beth points out the scripture says David was angry and then he was afraid. Beth's next question was do we ever remember a time when we were angry with God and then afraid.
Yes, I do remember a time when I felt anger toward God and yes, I was then fearful. When Mom died so tragically at a young age I was, as were many of my family and friends, caught off guard. I remember getting angry with God because I didn't understand how He could allow such a thing to happen to my family. But being raised Catholic, I became fearful of that anger with Him and over time the fear turned to a mistrust and a doubt. It was not an openly noticeable distrust, it was just a small, back in the recesses of my heart distrust.
My life began to reflect that turn from God. I made poor choices, I did things I would never have believed possible of myself and I found myself anxious and fearful of moving forward. I still battle with anxiety, self-doubt and self esteem issues today. The difference, 30 years later, is I turn to God now with these battles instead of away from Him and He is there despite my anger with Him, despite my doubts and fears of Him and most importantly despite my sins against Him.
Beth points out we can spend decades refusing to budge an inch with God because of something that happened where we couldn't reconcile our beliefs of who we thought God was at the time with what had just occurred. She says the Cross of Christ is so large and far reaching and does work for all who put their trust in Him. But if we choose to remain where we are (angry and fearful) for the rest of our lives-every inch we refuse to take with God, we surrender to the enemy. Satan has too much to gain by us hanging on to those emotions and we have too much to lose. We make his agenda much easier when we continue to wrestle with questions about God's goodness and trustworthiness.
Deep down in the recesses of my heart I know I do not want to spend the rest of my life angry, afraid, and in the same old place. I want to step up and step forward with God. Though I don't have all the answers as to why things happen the way they do, I do believe He has never left me and never ceased loving me (despite a very sinful life) and He certainly has never shut off His goodness from me.
So I pray that all who read this will have a blessed Lenten season and discover in themselves the love and goodness of our Lord and Savior living and at work in their hearts. If anger and fear describe your heart, I pray you will take the first steps in leaving that old place and move (even inch by inch) toward a new place with our God and the promises He has in store for us.
